Before Ben and Chris, there was Ben. And Chris.
The year was Zero B.C.A.B. (Before Chris and Ben). Chris, a humble pixel pusher, caught eyes with a charismatic computer-scientist on the 14th floor of the Uber Eats office. At the time, Ben was leading a small nation of engineers to battle against the forces of food delivery. Chris was drawing burritos.
Historians note there were several cartoon-style “ahwoogas” before Ben managed to rope Chris into a project. Between computer code and doodles of hamburgers, they exchanged names.
The rest, they say, is history.
Ben’s Fact Check: FALSE
The “small nation” was just a handful of software engineers. They did not, as far as we know, compose their own country..
Everything I’m about to share is 100% true.
Then the aliens attacked. They wiped Chris’ brain. He could barely function. He sweat profusely. He couldn’t form sentences. Basic motor functions? Forget it. Somehow, through his fugue-like state, he managed to ask Ben out on a date. He spoke the words he rehearsed in perfect, romantic, Shakespearean English.
“WouLd yoU liKe?
To go to MoOOoVie?
Wit me? Ahwooga.”
— Chris
So they did. They went to MoOOoVie.
Ben’s Fact Check: FALSE
The aliens were in Chris’s mind. Some say they still are.
Snow way!
The MoOOoVie was about skiing. Which led them to Tahoe. Then Colorado. Then the Alps. Then back to Tahoe.
As Chris chased his black diamond boyfriend down mounds of powder, he started to wonder, “Is this whole ski thing just a phase?”
No. No it was not.
“Turn!”
— Ben
“Ahhhhhhhh!”
— Chris
Ben’s Fact Check: TRUE
There is no evidence that Ben’s skiing habit represents anything other than an obsession.
When bat soup hit the menu, they hit the road.
Year Two A.C.A.B. (After Chris and Ben). The aliens struck again. They fired little alien microbes into a bunch of bat soup. Ben and Chris fled the pandemic in their big SUV (named Rhonda) and traveled the country. They spent a year stargazing in Joshua Tree, chasing sunsets in Big Sur, and scaling waterfalls in Yosemite. They even hung out in a creepy Mormon basement for awhile so they could (you guessed it) go skiing.
Finally, they built their own home together in San Francisco. They even got pregnant! On July 4th, 2022, they gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Bonnie. Isn’t science amazing?
Ben’s Fact Check: MISLEADING
Although Bonnie is the child of Ben and Chris, she was not conceived by the DNA of her fathers. Ben and Chris don’t have wombs.
The Proposal
One dark and stormy night…
February 14, Year Five A.C.A.B. (After Chris and Ben)
How did we get here? Many historians argue it was Chris and Ben’s obsession with games—especially games with adrenaline-pumping competition—that sealed the deal. To honor their love for each other and for the perfect game night, Chris created a scavenger hunt modeled after The Amazing Race. He recruited his brother Cody and sister-in-law Helen as willing accomplices. Chris would propose, and gosh darn it, he’d do it in the snow.
Ben’s Fact Check: TRUE
Cody and Helen were, in fact, criminally implicated in the following events.
The weather was perfect. A balmy -200˚F breeze swept in from the north. Avalanches buried towns. Wolves the size of elephants patrolled the hillside, hungry for millenial meat. Meanwhile, Chris forced Ben to chug salsa, answer Harry Potter trivia questions, and dance an Irish jig in ski boots. These were dangerous feats in even deadlier conditions. Passing onlookers described the couple (not the storm) as “utter madness.”
Ben’s Fact Check: FALSE
The wolves were the size of avalanche safety canines, no larger than a typical chocolate lab.
But Chris was determined to pop the question. He wanted to do it in the snow, where—all those years ago, when he tumbled down slope after slope—he fell in love with a boy who happened to love skiing.
The final test (organized by Chris) would be harrowing: a snowshoe trek to an alpine cabin. They would complete this quarter-mile journey in pitch darkness, ending the night with a five course candlelit dinner served by the abominable snowman.
Ben’s Fact Check: MISLEADING
The server was just hairy.
Headlamps and snowshoes secured, the two left basecamp from the bunny slopes. They began the trek west to the slightly larger bunny slopes.
They would never be seen or heard from again…
Ben’s Fact Check: FALSE
You’re literally hearing from them now.
Wait a second…
I forgot one crucial detail! There were actually two proposals. Several days before Chris proposed to Ben, something unexpected happened. On his daily walk with Bonnie past the Conversatory of Flowers, Chris bumped into…Ben? He appeared out of nowhere with a bouquet and a ring. In front of a crowd of San Franciscans and a very surprised poodle, Ben got down on one knee and asked Chris the long-awaited question.
“Will you marry me?”
To which Chris responded…
“Can you wait just a few days? I sort of had something planned in the middle of a blizzard.”
“But YES!!”
So, for the next few days, they were secretly engaged, having both surprised the other in the same week. No games, no competition—just love.
(But let the record show…Ben won.)
Ben’s Fact Check: TRUE
Ben did win.